Just Words

I know why I have had over 20 jobs in my life…it wasn’t till now that I found the perfect one, being a mommy. I say mommy versus mother because mother sounds like an earned title, reserved for my mom or my sisters and since I just have wee little ones, mommy seems more appropriate. I love my title.

Throughout pregnancy and especially near the end, I often was warned about the difficulties of being a mom; the lack of sleep, the loss of personal freedoms, the monotony of daily life but no one ever warned me how ferociously I’d love these guys and that the instant joy they’d bring would be almost overwhelming.

My other major feeling was almost a total lack of confidence in meeting their needs. I cried for the first 3 weeks over breastfeeding…Dave talked with nurses and co-workers and came back with recipes, ideas and encouragement and still continues to be encouraging and validating. I felt the worst and thought I must be so unfit when they both had a diaper rash the second day they were home and one started to bleed. I sat at the edge of my seat during our first week visit to the pediatrician clinging to everything he said. He ran down his list for newborns from rear facing car seats to not giving them adult food. I mentally checked them off, yes, yes, ok I’m doing this parenting stuff right according to his list...wait oh no! We haven’t checked the water heater thermostat! Maybe we aren’t fit for this job? The boys only had a few needs, to be fed, to be clean, to be safe…I was failing them all except the to be loved. That I had but again I was so exhausted and had to split my time between each and also everyone else that loved them, I even wondered if I was doing that right.

For the most part all that anxiety wore off as fast as the pregnancy weight was coming off but what I have residually I pour into books. I read one on breastfeeding multiples and another on helping them to sleep and then be the happiest baby on the block. Now for Christmas I received “Brain Rules for Baby”. We’ve screwed up again. They have seen and mostly heard the TV and this book says NO TV before the age of 2. I actually like the book so far; I picked it out myself; it makes fun of a lot of myths; I’d recommend it to anyone who’d trust a developmental molecular biologist with strong interests in the genetics of psychiatric disorders. You laugh, yet I’m serious.

When did I become so insecure? I had grandmas and aunts around for the first 6 weeks. My first week without adult supervision, well, it actually went smooth. Believe me I often wished for extra hands to be around and I lacked and lack any substantial amount of sleep but I did it. The boys seem appeased, since I think they are still too young for the word happy? And things get done. Not a lot of things but enough.

I gloat when I spend any amount of time on the elliptical…twice while packing a kid. I even get in a shower, albeit a 2 minute one versus my luxury 20 minute ones; I feel alive and smell better just the same. No more diaper rashes and the cloth diapers are working well. Breastfeeding is working I guess…they each gained 2lbs in 4 weeks. What else do we do? Mostly I am one giant moving snuggle with lots of blankets and pillows. We maybe on my bed, a guest bed, a chair, or the couch (Kenzee’s favorite because she can join us there).

At night I think I sleep more in the chair and in the day I sleep more in the bed. We’re almost to the age where they can sleep through the night (whatever that means?). But for now I feel like I have a puppy litter. In fact, there have been quite a few moments when I kept thinking a baby was missing. Like having 2 wasn’t enough? But I’d search for another or turn to grab for another baby. I don’t know if this was Nixon or maybe a baby to come or both or something else. Either way I felt like I needed to do a head count.

I hope I didn’t make this blog sound negative, because being a mommy has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and I love it. I pray every night with gratitude as well as some sense of mercy to help me be a good mom. I know I could not do this alone. I rely on my Heavenly Father and my dear husband. Who by the way carried on my family tradition of eggs benedict for Christmas breakfast this morning. He made homemade brioche last night for the bread and a homemade hollandaise sauce. It was delicious and then he swept and mopped the floors. Now if he could sleep for me, that’d be perfect!

I’ll end with the little lullaby Dave likes to sing to the boys:

Lay down my dear brothers, lay down and take your rest,

Won't you lay your heads upon your Savior's chest,

I love you both, but Jesus loves you the best

And I bid you goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.

May we all find rest in our Savior and feel his love…Merry Christmas!